Sometimes our dreams seem like fog in front of our eyes. Like a mysterious, uncalculated, untrustworth, supernatural sign. There's no apperance and the skies are silent. Idealistic, I would say I am dreamer and I love to take risk to get the best out of everything. But in reality I see these kind of persons everywhere, but I am not one of them. I am one of those who struggle in a daily base to believe in the same stuff. To believe that tomorrow will be better and brighter. I have a calculated habit of cultivating hope but I often caught myself doubting. But maybe, just for a chance hope is the very actually sign. Maybe expecting is the new thing. Maybe doubting and still choosing is the real deal, maybe this is the real faith. Maybe in an opposite world I would be someone who got it right.
But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 1 Co 1:27
I am in a really bad week. Above all things I am extremely confused. Not because I don't know what I want for my life, for my country or my next semester. For the first time in 23 years I am exactly in the place that I choose to be. And things doesn't feel quite well. Now it's the perfect time to hear "Just hanging on sister". But this is not helpful. The circunstances seems so unfair.
We fight day after day for what we believe, for justice or for our convictions. We fight back our doubts, fears and descouragement. But sometimes it seems meaningless, empty, confusing. So we get desmotivated. That's nothing worse and nothing you can do to avoid desmotivation. But how to fight it back? How to climb out of our limb-melancholic existence. Does it need a sign? Do we get a sign? Is it fair to ask for a sign after all the things that we already have seen?
But if we stop now? Would it change anything? If we stop know it's just a matter of time to all the same beginning-middle-desmotivated thing come over another time. So should I keep quiting over and over? How about breaking the cicle? How about self motivating? How about be strong and corageous (Js 1:5-6)? Leaving requires strength but staying also does. Pioneering requires courage but maintaining also does.
Consistence and iniciative are not between my best qualities, and always excuse my self-sabotage in the name of the lack of those qualities. But if we could break the cicle. What if someone just had taken responsability over us and winning everything ahead? What if we were wandered off, done our own thing, gone our own way and them someone just took our lacks and piled it on him? (Is 53: 2-6) What if our motivation were not in where we are at or where we're heading for but in the One who makes everything worth it.
I am gonna tell you something. My life suck sometimes. I am a mountain of mess, indecision, inconsistence, faithless, fearfull, worries, no money, no time,no positions, no relationships, no better view in any time soon. My country is in a crise, my brazilian & my australian account is in a crise, I am tired of not being enough to get things right, to not working right, not serving right, not being a good sister, not being a good friend, not being a good student, not being a good daughter, not being able to help my country, not being able to give some light to some of my friends who are drawining in senseless political statements. And there is no perspective of things getting better anytime soon.
But I decided to live day by day. Not trowing the tower as I did before. You only live once or carpe diem is really temptive but it also gets in the giving up category. Don't get me wrong, I could trow it, there's nothing wrong with it, there's nothing wrong with struggling. But I decide to break the cicle day by day. And for today this is enough. I will do my best today, with all the things that has been entrusted me even my broken and insuficient self. "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." II Co 4:16